Girl Talk: He Has No Clue

Posted: March 14, 2013 by ERCPCP Blogger in Uncategorized

A Sister Chat on Domestic Violence by Queen Afi Gaston (Founder, Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags)

The “He Has No Clue” Campaign is in remembrance of LaShawndia Humphries and April Hamlette, and like so many women & teenage girls they were told by me (Queen Afi) to “JUST LEAVE.” Many victims tell the abuser they are leaving and many are dead today. As you will find in reading this information telling victims “JUST LEAVE” can be deadly.

LaShawndia Humphries and I were very close, I knew she was scared of her baby daddy and he was threatening her life. At the time I was about 16 & she was about 15. She would call and tell me that her baby daddy said things like “if he can’t have her nobody will” and he told her, “I will kill you.” Well, me being young and trying to help my Sister/Best Friend, I told her “Just Leave” as so many of us do; she left and was killed about 15 years ago.

April Hamlett’s case was somewhat different because her boyfriend was controlling and manipulative mentally, he could get her to do things out of the ordinary, and on this particular night he manipulated her to drive him to an alley in Deanwood NE, Washington DC, it was a drug deal gone wrong because she was shot in the head and burned up in her vehicle at approximately seven months pregnant, and he was killed (outside the vehicle). I spoke with my little cousin a couple of months prior to her being killed and I told her “Just Leave.”

God spoke to my spirit and said this is why so many women & teenage girls are being killed because of the classic “Just Leave.” The campaign is designed to educate women & teenage girls as well as family and friends all across this world on how to leave and how to advise someone in an abusive relationship without them being killed.

Women & teenage girls cannot “Just Leave” because it is dangerous to break the control of the abuser:

3 Reason Why Breaking the Control of the Abuser is deadly:

1. The abuser is a good manipulator: If the abuser has gotten away with verbal abuse in the beginning (because in most cases it starts off verbal and leads to physical) and you stayed in the relationship, the control starts. That’s an icebreaker for the abuser to extend the abuse from verbal to physical.

2. The abuser only sees one perspective: The victim has no say. The abuser always has the beginning and final say. The victims have a schedule that they must follow, and anything outside that schedule is defiance from the abuser’s perspective.

3. The abuser leads with an ego: “I will kill you.” His ego but low self-esteem causes him to threaten the victims. Most times the abuser is only doing what he saw or what was done to him. The victims are scared of the ego; they don’t see the low self-esteem. The victims go along with whatever the abuser says because they are scared and they can’t “JUST LEAVE”, why? Breaking the abuser’s ego/control can absolutely be deadly.

WOMEN&TEENAGE GIRLS NEVER TELL THE ABUSER YOU ARE LEAVING:

  • Devise A Safety Plan: 
  • Three Steps to Leave Safely:
  1. Develop a plan
  2. Get Out
  3. Seek Help from Professionals
  • Step 1. Developing a plan- The victim knows they are being abused, they understand they are not responsible for it, and the victim realizes it must STOP. Victims once you realize this step start planning exactly how you can safely get out of your home.
  • A. develop a plan to call for help outside the home (teach your children how to call for help). Make arrangements upfront where you will go and leave the getaway bag with them, but keep this in mind for an escape kit (get an extra set of keys made, cash for a cab and or hotel, pack driver’s license, social security cards and birth certificates for you and the children, extra set of clothing, etc)
  • Step 2. Get Out- Once you have devised your safety plan take your children and leave. The children are being hurt & taught to abuse if you stay. It is a scary step but an act of courage, and encouragement for your children that abuse is unacceptable.
  • Step 3. Seek Professional Help- Many of us don’t realize it but you need professional help after any type of abuse and your children need professional help. Don’t sweep it under the rug, by facing the truth about abuse it teaches our children what to do in cases of abuse weather verbal, mental, emotional, physical, and it breaks the cycle of abuse from continuing in your household
  • Queen Afi’s Tip:  Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended. This is why the safety plan is so important because if the abuser knows the victim is leaving or shows any sign of leaving they can be killed. Victims be sure to never tell the abuser that you are leaving the relationship. Victims be sure to plan (step # 1 suggested) when you know the abuser is some place where it would take hours for him to reach you.

Family & Friends Tips:

  • 3 Important tips for Family & Friends
  • 1st Don’t advise the victim to “Just Leave” instead be a support system and encourage them with resources, because breaking the control of the abuser can be deadly.
  • 2nd  Advise them to never tell the abuser they are leaving and to hide any material that’s an indication they are leaving, because breaking the control of the abuser can be deadly.
  • 3rd Sneak the victim numbers such as DVWMTS and or the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−SAFE (7233), because breaking the control of the abuser can be deadly.
  • 4th Never critize, judge, or blame the victim, let me advise you, they aren’t dumb, they aren’t stupid. The victim is being controlled and manipulated to believe the abusers perspective.

STRATEGIES WITH VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE:

  1. Support her telling her story again and again. Acknowledge the courage in telling.
  2. Find her strengths and point them out to her.
  3. Build upon her hopes, dreams, and plans for the future.
  4. Rebuild her social-support network or create an alternative network that is trustworthy.
  5. Stick with her, even when you get frustrated.
  6. Build her knowledge of options and advocate for her.
  7. Take an active concern and help her plan for her safety.
  8. Respect her choices. Only she lives with the consequences. Let her maintain control.
  9. Collaborate with other services that can help her. Work actively with them.

Thank you all for taking part in spreading the word about the “He Has No Clue” Campaign. We want to reach millions of women & teenage girls; family/friends. Control & manipulation is what the abuser lives by and it can be broken by educating women & teenage girls and family/friends.

One in three teenage girls has suffered sexual abuse from a boyfriend and one in four has experienced violence in a relationship, according to NSPCC and Bristol University. Every 9 seconds, a woman is battered in the U.S. Family Violence Prevention Fund, 1994.

If you want to see this campaign reach millions of women & teenage girls please visit FaceBook@DomesticViolenceWearsManyTags also www.DVWMTS.org

Resources:

WASHINGTON DC:

  • Queen Afi, Founder & Executive Director of Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags (202) 821-8933 E-mail: DVWMTS@gmail.com  Facebook@DomesticViolenceWearsManyTags
  • D.C. :202-223-0020 Hotline/Crisis: 202-223-2255
  • House of Ruth – 202-347-0737 Hotline/Crisis: 202-347-2777
  • My Sister’s Place -202-986-1476 Hotline/Crisis: 202-529-5991

MARYLAND:

  • Montgomery County Abused Persons Program-240-777-4673
  • Prince George’s County Family Crisis Center-301-731-1203

VIRGINA:

  • Virginia Crime Victim Assistance Line-800-838-VADV
  • National Domestic Violence Hotline1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

To learn more about Domestic Violence Wears Many Tags, visit them online at www.DVWMTS.org.

Disclaimer:  The opinions expressed in this post are those of the guest contributor and not those of ERCPCP.

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